Half of My Heart
by santsi
Summary: It began with five words. If only Jackie knew then, what she knows now.


It began with five words.

"Wow, you sure are pretty."

That was all it took. Granted had it been anyone else, she would have laughed and turned up her nose at the statement. But this wasn't just **anyone**. Her cheeks became hot and she felt her throat tighten. Jackie's thoughts raced as she searched frantically through a catalog of responses to find the perfect one. (Because it had to be _perfect_.) Before she had a chance to choke on her words, the bell rang and Michael Kelso was gone.

She had been expecting her first day of Junior High to be awkward, if not just plain scary. (Though she would never show it.) But the most beautiful boy in her grade speaking to her was something Jackie's fourteen year old mind couldn't fathom. As she walked through the door of her first period class, she smiled brightly at her peers, waved a hand and tried to pretend her heart wasn't still lodged in her throat.

Then came the phone calls.

It wasn't as if phone calls were a new concept. She had always been one of the more popular girls. Setting trends, having everything everyone else wanted. Being the first to accomplish all things dubbed 'cool' by the girls in her grade. Chatting on the phone late at night had been one of those childhood accomplishments. Jackie and her girlfriends would talk about different things; hair, nail polish, the latest grade school gossip. But never before had a boy called her. (Or any one of her other friends for that matter.)

She was hooked from the second he said, "Hello."

Then came the _stares_, followed by whispers.

Overnight she became the queen bee. He would hold her hand **while **greeting his friends in the hallway. She would cling onto him and the world around her seemed to fade away as she became mesmerized by his gorgeous face. Blinded by dreams of forever, she didn't notice the chaste smiles he directed to her friends.

_She sailed through junior high on a could of infatuation._

The first time she realized her heart was no longer her own, she was fifteen.

She looked to her pink, sticker covered clock on her nightstand, and felt her chest cave in- 9:08 pm. He always called her at 8:00. Little did she know this was only the beginning.

She became nervous.

Boys her age were talking about sex, and Michael was one of them. The rumor was, he had done it before, and that scared her. Her heart screamed 'forever', but she feared she would loose him if she didn't give him the gift of herself. How was she supposed to compete otherwise? Michael was gorgeous and it wouldn't be long before some other freshmen shark would snatch him up.

She invited him over one night while her father was gone, lit a candle, and begged herself not to show how terrified she felt. He roughly slipped inside of her and she almost cried; it was so foreign, so uncomfortable. She bit her lip and shoved her face into his neck. The article she read in Cosmo had advised being on top for the first time. As it would put her in more control of the situation and ease any discomfort she may have felt.

When it didn't and the feeling of him inside of her felt terrible and wrong, she whispered, _"You should get on top."_

He eagerly obeyed and soon Jackie was beneath him. Even his hot ragged breath which usually turned her on, couldn't pull her out of herself. Jackie receded some where in her mind and vaguely wondered how she was supposed to know when to stop. _If_ it would ever stop. After minutes had passed that seemed like an eternity, Michael lifted his warmth off of her own. He smiled at her, told her he loved her.

Suddenly the pain was worth it. She could fake it if it meant keeping him.

_"He was kissing Pam Macy behind the gym. Poor Jackie, she doesn't even have a clue."_

Jackie stopped in her tracks. Her clogs clicked loudly on the stark, white tile floor. Jackie felt separated from herself for an instant. As if she were a fly on the wall watching herself react.

She ran the sentence through her brain, over and over again. Looking for anyway her interpretation could have been wrong. (Maybe there was another Jackie.)

"Shut up, Elaine. She's right there!" The blonde across from the brunette whispered before delivering a slap to her shoulder, and scurrying off to class.

This feeling was new to Jackie, her face burned, her throat stung with rising tears. Her body began to tremble with adrenaline. The bell rang though she didn't hear it. (The sound of her beating heart drown out the world. Just as his face had done not so long ago.)

She rushed to the bathroom and avoided class all together. The only thing she could comprehend was her thoughts, screaming at her, "He doesn't love you! He lied to you!"

Dropping her books in the bathroom sink, she darted for the nearest stall. White hot tears finally spilled over her perfectly made-up cheeks. If she still had her heart it would have been breaking.

But Michael Kelso had it.

Tucked away in his pocket, now disregarded and forgotten as he locked lips with Pam Macy behind the gym. She placed a petite hand where her heart would have been and curled into herself.

Her picture perfect world crashed around her and she felt what it must be like to die.

Jackie always heard people say love hurts.

She didn't realize how literal of a statement that was until she felt actual, physical pain. Buried deep in her chest. Never did she know how hard she had fallen until she looked down at mascara stained drops splattered on the floor and realized they were her own.

Jackie cut out dozens of pictures of models. She sprawled the clippings out over her bed- a stick of glue and scissors lay next to her knee, as she stared in awe at total perfection. Taut stomachs, followed by long, tan legs. Framed by perfect silky hair and complemented by round, voluptuous breasts. Jackie brought her hands to her chest and the thought dawned on her. 'What did Pam have that she didn't?" Pulling socks out of her dresser and stuffing them into her shirt, her hopeful expression faltered, After pulling the fabric lumps back out, Jackie buried her face in her hands. No amount of stuffing could change who she was on the inside;

Insecure and broken.

That's when she began to hate him.

_It was the only word she could use to describe the pain she felt, It was almost like love so it had to be hate._ Jackie felt as if he stole everything from her.

Before him she was perfection-

Confident, popular, carefree.

After she unknowingly surrendered her heart to him, she was…

Defeated…

Insecure…

Bitter.

At night she cried. At school she was jealous. With him she was angry.

Jackie wondered to herself how her fifteen year old heart could love(hate) _so much_.

_She finally began to heal._

If not heal, then at least pick up the pieces of her heart. (Left in her bedroom, his pocket, behind the gym.) And did what she could to stitch them back together. It was ugly now. The edges were jagged. Pieces were still missing. The pieces she had didn't even seem to fit together. But she made it work, because that's what Jackie Burkhardt does. And does well. And at least it was _something. _Which was more than she ever expected that day she skipped class to break in the girls bathroom.

Lately though, she had noticed Michael's friend staring at her.

Normally, she wouldn't think twice about it. She thought as long as she kept herself committed to Michael, (Even if he wasn't committed to her) he would come back one day and realize she was _perfect_. (Because that's just who Jackie was) Her high morals and laws for herself regarding monogamous love kept her gaze steady on Michael, even when he was looking elsewhere.

So the first time she really noticed Steven looking at her, eyes catching hers for a fraction of a second, she couldn't help but feel elated.

Because, while Michael Kelso still had fragments of her heart in his pocket, that didn't matter for that one fleeting moment. Because, when you _only _have half of your heart, its _only_ natural to want to find the other half.

_He moved in to kiss her and she felt what was left of her heart rise into her throat and attach to what was left of Steven's._


End file.
